RECOGNIZING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

From the time our children are born, we teach them, They learn through words, deeds, and examples. We are proud when our kids start walking, talking, are potty trained, and say, "please" and "thank you." The older our children get, the bigger the lessons are. We want them to respect themselves and other people. We want our son or daughter to be a good friend to his or her friends. We want them to be upstanding, contributing citizens. We want them to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Starting in their teens years (I am not about to tell any parent at what age they should allow their child to start dating!), we want to meet and assess the people our kids date. We want to know more about them and their families. We want to observe how they treat our kids, how they interact with the rest of the family, the language they use, and the moral code they live by. Sometimes parents have to step in and make their children aware of why they do not approve of the pairings. And we hope that the kids have a pleasant time together without moving too fast or getting too serious. 

As our kids get into their twenties, we try to watch and advise, but it can be hard to be very involved. We want our children to finish college and start a career before settling down. We want our kids to continue to talk to us and ask for advice - because you probably don't know anyone who appreciates unsolicited advice...I know I don't! We REALLY hope that the lessons we have taught our children take root and that our kids don't relive the types of mistakes we made while growing up. We all have painful chapters in our past that should not be repeated.

Of course, we teach our sons about relationship do's and don'ts, but I am going to focus on our daughters right now. All parents wants their daughter to be treated like the princess they see her as. I always taught my daughter that it is much better to be in no relationship than a bad one. She has always had friends who had to have a boyfriend. The second one relationship ended, they would be on the hunt for the next. Dating apps like Tinder have made the hunting easier. Being single can be just what you need sometimes, especially after ending an unfulfilling coupling. Take time to get your head straight; spend time with friends and family; do things like exercise or participate in hobbies that make you feel good.

Sometimes couples break up because they grow apart. Sometimes distance due to family, jobs, or school play a part. Sometimes religion, culture, or the desire to have or not have children throw up a roadblock. The thing that worries my husband and I immensely is the toxic relationship, partially because we have each been in them. My daughter discounted many of my stories because I watch a lot of true crime TV, but HELLO - it's TRUE crime!

Another thing that I have told my daughter repeatedly is the mantra that took me many years to learn: "I would rather be seen as a b**** than a doormat!" In all honesty, I don't really care about what people outside of my immediate family think of me, But I do not want to be seen as anyone's doormat, and that was a tough lesson to learn.

There are a number of red flags that girls/women need to be on the lookout for because these can lead to a toxic situation. If any of these go to the extreme or make you feel afraid or uncomfortable, run and don't look back.

1) Possessiveness - Sometimes this can seem kind of sweet at first. "He loves me so much that he wants me all to himself!" The problem comes when he tries to separate you from your friends and family. He doesn't want you going out with your friends; he wants you to unfriend people he doesn't approve of on social media; he doesn't want you visiting your family, or at least not without him. He doesn't want you engaging in any hobbies that he isn't a part of,

2) Jealousy - Again, this may seem sweet in small doses. Of course you want a mate who cares enough to be a little jealous when another man hits on you. But you don't want someone who goes into a rage when you have an innocent conversation with a friend or coworker. He shouldn't interpret every word you say or every look you give as flirting with someone else. And it's even worse when you have to worry about the things others say to you setting him off also. 

3) Control - Sometimes this goes hand-in-hand with the jealousy and possessiveness. He wants to tell you how to dress, perhaps because he thinks it will attract attention from other men. He might not approve of where you work or the type of work you do. He wants you home from work immediately after you get off with no pre-approved stops along the way. He may disapprove of your hair color or hair style. He may not like the language you use, He doesn't want you to have your own opinions on religion, politics, or anything else - he is right and if you disagree, you are stupid.

4) Verbal Abuse - Whenever he is upset with you, he calls you names. You are a slut, a whore, a liar, or anything else he can think of to hurt you. If your opinion differs from his, you're an idiot. I have heard women say that their men are "only" verbally abusive. Words can cut and hurt as much as a blow and they are just as hard to get over. Saying sorry doesn't erase being made to feel less than, 

5) Insecurity & Diminished Self-Esteem - In a healthy relationship, each person wants the other to be their best. You want to see your partner succeed and feel better about themselves. By encouraging each other and uplifting each other, each person and the relationship is better for it. The toxic guy wants you to feel like you aren't enough for him and that you will never be good enough. If you are with a guy who puts you down, makes you question yourself, and makes you feel insecure in the relationship, you are experiencing toxicity. 

6) Blame - No matter what, it's always your fault. You were the one who made him angry by flirting, dressing slutty, wearing too much makeup, talking to someone else, etc., etc. It's never his fault. If he is upset, you pushed the buttons to get him there.

7) Walls - If he is upset, you want to talk about it to find out what's wrong. If he storms out or tell you that you should know what you did, he is throwing up walls to block real communication. He doesn't want to communicate - he wants to fight or run. If you truly care about your mate's feelings, you want to discuss any issues and come to a resolution or compromise. 

8) Narcissism - He only cares about himself. It's not important what you think or feel, only what he thinks or feels. If he isn't happy, he is going to make sure that you aren't either. In his eyes, it's all about me, me, me. He is the star of his show and you are a minor character.

9) The Past - When he has nothing in the here and now to be upset about, he will bring up things from days, months, or years ago - real or imagined - to be upset with you about. It doesn't matter that you have discussed the subject ad nauseum in the past - it popped into his head and is bothering him now. Perhaps you shared details about your life before him - all couples do - but he doesn't see this as sharing. For him, it is adding to his arsenal of ammunition. He will bring up things you told him about your exes to use against you. It doesn't matter that these things had absolutely nothing to do with him. Once again, he is the sun and everyone and everything revolves around him.

8) Friends & Family - If all of your friends and your family are telling you that you are in an unhealthy situation, you need to take a long, hard look. These are the people who truly love and support you and want what's best for you. They see that you are a different person both with him and because of him. If everyone can see that you are putting up with toxic behavior, open your eyes so that you can see it. 

9) ANY Sign of Physical Abuse - Again, some women think that if their men didn't punch them or worse, then he isn't capable of physical abuse. I am telling you that if he pushes you, breaks objects, or destroys prized possessions, then he is capable of physical abuse. The abuse may be just crossing over the border, but you don't want to be his victim when he snaps. 

I am not going to say that it's easy to get out and stay out of a toxic relationship. I have seen people yo-yo in and out. It's hard when you can only think about the good parts of the relationship. But I'll bet the good things aren't as good now and the bad ones are getting more often and worst. Surround yourself with the people who care about you. Your family and friends will be there to build you back up. Do thinks that make you feel better - go for walks, exercise, take long hot baths. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. In some ways, it's like going cold turkey when you;re addicted to a drug. Don't go back "just once more." Get  therapy if you need it because a therapist can help you understand why you felt the need to stay in a toxic situation. And you do not want to repeat this behavior. Do anything and everything to make yourself a stronger, better, more confident person. 

You are valuable. You are loved. You deserve to feel safe and secure. You deserve happiness. You are nobody's doormat!

BEING REJECTED AS AN AUTHOR...SUCKS!

I finished writing my one and only novel a little over a year ago. It was born from a couple of paragraphs that popped into my head that I just had to write down. This novel was years in the making. Having a full-time job and two very busy kids, I didn't have a lot of time or energy for writing - or I guess the discipline. Working on my novel wasn't something I could work on for ten minutes here and there. I had to be in the zone, and without a lot of interruptions. When I retired from my job, finishing my novel was one of my top priorities.

I have given birth to two kids, but in many ways, giving birth to my novel was more painful and more personal. After all, I had help creating kids, but my novel was all mine. And it wasn't finished in nine months time. For years, these characters lived in my head. I didn't create their lives and adventures - they talked to me; they told me what they would do or say next. I thought I might be crazy until I was at a talk by mystery author Erica Spindler. When she said that her characters talked to her, I almost cheered.

After finishing the novel, I asked two good friends who are well-read and smart if they would read and critique it for me. I assured them that I am not defensive and no matter what they told me that I would not get angry. I hoped my novel was good, but a part of me kept screaming, "It might suck!" These two ladies gave me great feedback - they found typos I had missed, pointed out the overuse of a certain phrase, and confirmed my suspicion that a particular chapter was unnecessary. So after edits and rewrites, I was ready to start the query process in an attempt to find an agent. Little did I know the struggle!

Starting with a suggestion from an author friend, I sent out my first query. Then I started researching and reading and knew that I needed to send more out, pinpointing agents who specialized in my genre. I learned that you send out the queries and wait...a long time. Most agents warn you about the number of weeks or months it may take for you to get a reply. Others bluntly say that if you don't hear back from them then you should consider the answer no, that they will only respond to you if they are interested. Alrighty then.

It wasn't too long before the rejections began rolling in. The majority of the replies are rather generic responses or form letters. "Unfortunately, the project you describe does not suit our list at this time.  We wish you the best of luck in finding an agent and publisher for your work, and we thank you, once again, for letting us consider your materials."  "Thanks so much for thinking of me with this project. Unfortunately, it doesn’t match what I’m looking for at this time. This is an incredibly subjective business, so I encourage you to keep submitting this and I hope other agents feel differently!" "Thank you for the opportunity to consider, but your project is not for me at this time. Best of luck and success in finding the perfect advocate for your work." "I'm afraid it's not right for me, but please keep in mind that mine is a subjective opinion and others will feel differently. I wish you the best in finding a good home for your work." Disappointing, but not exactly devastating.

Then one glorious night, I received this response: "I would be happy to read your manuscript.  Please feel free to email it and include this email chain when you reply. Look forward to reading your work." I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to send her my manuscript. I was on Cloud Nine imagining how much she was going to love my novel. My mind went into overdrive! I could see the novel in print. I was contemplating book signings, interviews, and fans clamoring for a sequel! But as happy as I was then, I was equally devastated a few weeks later when this agent emailed me again: "Thank you for sending me your manuscript. I enjoyed reading your pages. While your story is interesting, I thought there was a little too much telling and not enough showing in the opening chapters. I wish you the best in finding the right agent who can successfully champion your project." Utter heartbreak.

Some rejections were simple and to the point: "Not for us, thanks." Some responses are a little more hurtful: "While I found the concept intriguing, the story didn't grab me as I had hoped it would. It could be that I am just not the right agent for your project." Or there's: "While this is definitely the kind of project I am interested in, ultimately I wasn’t as taken with your manuscript as I need to be in order to fully get behind it, and so I’m going to pass. I must remain extremely careful to only acquire projects about which I am wildly , passionate, and thus I feel it is in your best interest that I step aside and allow you to continue your search for representation elsewhere."

The moral of the story is that writing is not for the faint of heart. As I have said many times, whether you are a writer, singer, artist - whatever - you need to have a tough skin. Accept constructive criticism, though it's up to you whether it's valid or not. Totally disregard negativity. As Taylor Swift sang, "Haters gonna hate." So I am not the best-selling novelist I had hoped to be. I am not even a published novelist yet. At least I can say that I actually finished writing it....

THE NEW "NORMAL?!"

Being someone who lives near the Gulf coast, the term I loathe above all others in hurricane season is "hunker down." Tell me to take precautions, evacuate, get ready - just don't tell me to hunker down! Now that we are in "coronavirus season," the term I despise is "the new normal." There is nothing about the way we are living now that is normal. I was laid off from my job and have not been able to get unemployment. We only go to the grocery store when we absolutely have to, and we wear a mask, avoid other shoppers, and get out as soon as possible.

My daughter can't work one of her jobs right now. It is a beauty supply chain that has shut down for now. She was lucky in that they are still paying employees 60% of their salaries. She also works for Target and has been working a lot of hours there. Yes, that makes me nervous. Honestly, it makes her nervous, too. She has always suffered from anxiety, and at times lately, it has been raging. She has been having trouble sleeping. She is somewhat frightened of getting the virus. Having had asthma as a child, she worries she would be more susceptible. How I wish I could see her and hug her!

I have watched so much TV that sometimes I cannot bring myself to turn it on! I have gotten well-acquainted with Alexa and she plays some great music for me whenever I ask. I have cross stitched, gardened, done some yard work and cleaning with my husband, but I feel somewhat forlorn and a little useless right now.

Speaking of my husband, the quarantine has not hurt our relationship. I am sure that there are others who can't say that, but we are good together - even when it's 24/7. We occasionally watch Netflix or Amazon together. Other times, he is upstairs watching one thing on TV while I am downstairs doing something else. But it's comforting to each of us that the other is close by.

My heart really breaks for families who were living paycheck-to-paycheck as so many of us do, but are unable to earn a living right now. They worry about paying for rent and food during this trying time. I cry for families who have lost a loved one - some more than one. It is so sad when someone has to die alone in a hospital because their family is not allowed to be with them for fear of being infected. I marvel at the men and women working in hospitals in any capacity - doctor, nurse, therapist, housekeeper, etc. - who put in long hours caring for sick people at a risk to themselves. They put in long day after long day and some do succumb to the virus.

I also an outraged by people who are too stupid to adhere to quarantine and social distancing. I am a Christian but I know that God understands why now is not a good time to be in church. Participate in an online service; read your Bible; pray whenever you want for as long as you want. I believe that preachers who are encouraging people to come to church just want to make themselves into religious martyrs.

I am livid over hackers, schemers, and thieves during such a difficult time, more than during "normal" times. Those who are trying to scam people out of their much-needed stimulus money should be shot. Low lives taking advantage of people's and charities' generosity and turning around to sell the donations are despicable. My daughter and her roommate each had their vehicles broken into on separate occasions. It seems they were looking for money. My daughter keeps little of value in her car, but the roll of quarters she had for the laundromat was taken.

I am a little tired of hearing how we are in this together, especially from celebrities. I am sure it's not hard to self-isolate when you have every comfort of home available. They can have whatever they want delivered to them. They can perform or be guests on shows remotely. They can be lauded for their generosity while staying safely in their palatial homes. We are not in this together - we are each in it on our own, each with our own set of circumstances. 

I honestly am not wallowing in any kind of self-pity. Yes, I get sad and depressed. Yes, I worry about what is to come. I also am grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat - a little too much junk food though! I do have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But for now, we are all in limbo in the "new abnormal."