My mother was an awesome mother. Of course, she was the oldest of ten, and grew up during the Great Depression, so she had a lot of mothering experience. She also had a career in the U.S. Navy, so she was a mature, take charge kind of a woman. Because my father became handicapped, my mother had to go back to work when I was a toddler. She worked full-time, and worked hard at home taking care of my Daddy and me. I have always respected the heck out of that amazing woman!
Yes, I did play with dolls as as a little girl. From the looks of them, I wasn't good at mothering them! I had no little brothers or sisters. I didn't babysit infants, just older kids...and not much of that either. So I had no experience with babies until I had one. And I wasn't a young mother - my son was born on the eve of my 35th birthday. (What can I say? The love of my life didn't make his appearance until I was in my 30's!)
After enduring Bell's Palsey while I was pregnant, I was finally handed this innocent, helpless, 7 pound 11 ounce infant, and I had no clue what to do with him. I gave birth - we named him - isn't that enough for now?
Tyler wasn't a healthy infant. He had a rough entrance to the world via C-section and became jaundiced. We went home with a bili light that Tyler spent most of his time under, and visits from home health nurses. He needed supplemental bottles and refused to nurse, increasing my post partum depression. And I discovered that I do not do well with very little sleep.
Before Ty was born, I had these daydreams about my wonderful maternity leave with my perfect baby. We would rock in front of the fireplace in utter bliss waiting for Daddy to come home to complete the ideal family portrait. It wasn't quite like that. Tyler would wake up at about 1:30 a.m. and would not go back to sleep until sometime after 5. I watched a lot of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" during that time.
In addition to the jaundice, Tyler had a condition called Pyloric Stenosis. It's a condition that primarily affects first born male babies. He had a blockage that blocked formula from getting to his small intestine. He would take a bottle, spit up, and then cry because he was hungry. It idn't help that the pediatrician thought I was overreacting - I must be a frantic new mother who was feeding her infant too much. After an entire night of feeding, spitting up, and crying (both of us), thank goodness the pediatrician sent us to a surgeon - just in case. It took her ten seconds to diagnose the condition and he was rushed into surgery.
Following the surgery, Tyler bounced back and plumped up quickly. He was a beautiful child. And 3 1/2 years later, we decided to do it again, having a perfect little girl.
Once again, the newborn phase was definitely not my favorite. From the night we brought her home, Jessie had colic. She had to eat every three hours. And instead of going back to sleep after eating and being changed, she would get the hiccups that would keep her awake. At night, my husband would take Tyler and go to bed, while I was on the couch holding a wide awake Jessie, and I would cry. I was SO tired!
Tyler was not a child who could entertain himself. He wanted my attention at all times. That isn't easy when you have a newborn. Being the good mother that I was, I wound up reading a Stephen King novel aloud so that I could have a little grown-up entertainment and keep him occupied at the same time.
My kids actually grew and thrived. They are 19 and 22, both college students now. They are still gorgeous, and they are smart and funny. But my question is - when do I start really feeling like a mother?
I know I am a mother. We fed, clothed, disciplined, encouraged, interacted with, and, of course, loved both of our kids. But I have always felt like I am playing at motherhood. Maybe it's because I feel like I am pretending to be an adult. As I near my "golden years" (ha!), I still don't feel like a real grown-up, much less a real parent. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking by entrusting the care of two humans to me! Don't get me wrong - I would not trade my kids for all the money in the world (though I think they have cost that much over the years)! I adore each of them. They are unique, interesting, intelligent people. And while I feel like I am faking it a great deal of the time, being a wife and mother is more important to me than anything else in my life.
So I will continue to fake it. Maybe this will make me an awesome grandmother one day!
