From the time our children are born, we teach them, They learn through words, deeds, and examples. We are proud when our kids start walking, talking, are potty trained, and say, "please" and "thank you." The older our children get, the bigger the lessons are. We want them to respect themselves and other people. We want our son or daughter to be a good friend to his or her friends. We want them to be upstanding, contributing citizens. We want them to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Starting in their teens years (I am not about to tell any parent at what age they should allow their child to start dating!), we want to meet and assess the people our kids date. We want to know more about them and their families. We want to observe how they treat our kids, how they interact with the rest of the family, the language they use, and the moral code they live by. Sometimes parents have to step in and make their children aware of why they do not approve of the pairings. And we hope that the kids have a pleasant time together without moving too fast or getting too serious.
As our kids get into their twenties, we try to watch and advise, but it can be hard to be very involved. We want our children to finish college and start a career before settling down. We want our kids to continue to talk to us and ask for advice - because you probably don't know anyone who appreciates unsolicited advice...I know I don't! We REALLY hope that the lessons we have taught our children take root and that our kids don't relive the types of mistakes we made while growing up. We all have painful chapters in our past that should not be repeated.
Of course, we teach our sons about relationship do's and don'ts, but I am going to focus on our daughters right now. All parents wants their daughter to be treated like the princess they see her as. I always taught my daughter that it is much better to be in no relationship than a bad one. She has always had friends who had to have a boyfriend. The second one relationship ended, they would be on the hunt for the next. Dating apps like Tinder have made the hunting easier. Being single can be just what you need sometimes, especially after ending an unfulfilling coupling. Take time to get your head straight; spend time with friends and family; do things like exercise or participate in hobbies that make you feel good.
Sometimes couples break up because they grow apart. Sometimes distance due to family, jobs, or school play a part. Sometimes religion, culture, or the desire to have or not have children throw up a roadblock. The thing that worries my husband and I immensely is the toxic relationship, partially because we have each been in them. My daughter discounted many of my stories because I watch a lot of true crime TV, but HELLO - it's TRUE crime!
Another thing that I have told my daughter repeatedly is the mantra that took me many years to learn: "I would rather be seen as a b**** than a doormat!" In all honesty, I don't really care about what people outside of my immediate family think of me, But I do not want to be seen as anyone's doormat, and that was a tough lesson to learn.
There are a number of red flags that girls/women need to be on the lookout for because these can lead to a toxic situation. If any of these go to the extreme or make you feel afraid or uncomfortable, run and don't look back.
1) Possessiveness - Sometimes this can seem kind of sweet at first. "He loves me so much that he wants me all to himself!" The problem comes when he tries to separate you from your friends and family. He doesn't want you going out with your friends; he wants you to unfriend people he doesn't approve of on social media; he doesn't want you visiting your family, or at least not without him. He doesn't want you engaging in any hobbies that he isn't a part of,
2) Jealousy - Again, this may seem sweet in small doses. Of course you want a mate who cares enough to be a little jealous when another man hits on you. But you don't want someone who goes into a rage when you have an innocent conversation with a friend or coworker. He shouldn't interpret every word you say or every look you give as flirting with someone else. And it's even worse when you have to worry about the things others say to you setting him off also.
3) Control - Sometimes this goes hand-in-hand with the jealousy and possessiveness. He wants to tell you how to dress, perhaps because he thinks it will attract attention from other men. He might not approve of where you work or the type of work you do. He wants you home from work immediately after you get off with no pre-approved stops along the way. He may disapprove of your hair color or hair style. He may not like the language you use, He doesn't want you to have your own opinions on religion, politics, or anything else - he is right and if you disagree, you are stupid.
4) Verbal Abuse - Whenever he is upset with you, he calls you names. You are a slut, a whore, a liar, or anything else he can think of to hurt you. If your opinion differs from his, you're an idiot. I have heard women say that their men are "only" verbally abusive. Words can cut and hurt as much as a blow and they are just as hard to get over. Saying sorry doesn't erase being made to feel less than,
5) Insecurity & Diminished Self-Esteem - In a healthy relationship, each person wants the other to be their best. You want to see your partner succeed and feel better about themselves. By encouraging each other and uplifting each other, each person and the relationship is better for it. The toxic guy wants you to feel like you aren't enough for him and that you will never be good enough. If you are with a guy who puts you down, makes you question yourself, and makes you feel insecure in the relationship, you are experiencing toxicity.
6) Blame - No matter what, it's always your fault. You were the one who made him angry by flirting, dressing slutty, wearing too much makeup, talking to someone else, etc., etc. It's never his fault. If he is upset, you pushed the buttons to get him there.
7) Walls - If he is upset, you want to talk about it to find out what's wrong. If he storms out or tell you that you should know what you did, he is throwing up walls to block real communication. He doesn't want to communicate - he wants to fight or run. If you truly care about your mate's feelings, you want to discuss any issues and come to a resolution or compromise.
8) Narcissism - He only cares about himself. It's not important what you think or feel, only what he thinks or feels. If he isn't happy, he is going to make sure that you aren't either. In his eyes, it's all about me, me, me. He is the star of his show and you are a minor character.
9) The Past - When he has nothing in the here and now to be upset about, he will bring up things from days, months, or years ago - real or imagined - to be upset with you about. It doesn't matter that you have discussed the subject ad nauseum in the past - it popped into his head and is bothering him now. Perhaps you shared details about your life before him - all couples do - but he doesn't see this as sharing. For him, it is adding to his arsenal of ammunition. He will bring up things you told him about your exes to use against you. It doesn't matter that these things had absolutely nothing to do with him. Once again, he is the sun and everyone and everything revolves around him.
8) Friends & Family - If all of your friends and your family are telling you that you are in an unhealthy situation, you need to take a long, hard look. These are the people who truly love and support you and want what's best for you. They see that you are a different person both with him and because of him. If everyone can see that you are putting up with toxic behavior, open your eyes so that you can see it.
9) ANY Sign of Physical Abuse - Again, some women think that if their men didn't punch them or worse, then he isn't capable of physical abuse. I am telling you that if he pushes you, breaks objects, or destroys prized possessions, then he is capable of physical abuse. The abuse may be just crossing over the border, but you don't want to be his victim when he snaps.
I am not going to say that it's easy to get out and stay out of a toxic relationship. I have seen people yo-yo in and out. It's hard when you can only think about the good parts of the relationship. But I'll bet the good things aren't as good now and the bad ones are getting more often and worst. Surround yourself with the people who care about you. Your family and friends will be there to build you back up. Do thinks that make you feel better - go for walks, exercise, take long hot baths. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. In some ways, it's like going cold turkey when you;re addicted to a drug. Don't go back "just once more." Get therapy if you need it because a therapist can help you understand why you felt the need to stay in a toxic situation. And you do not want to repeat this behavior. Do anything and everything to make yourself a stronger, better, more confident person.
You are valuable. You are loved. You deserve to feel safe and secure. You deserve happiness. You are nobody's doormat!
No comments:
Post a Comment