RETIREMENT: NOT AN ENDING, BUT A NEW CHAPTER

I always said that I would probably keep working until the day I died, but lo and behold, I did it!  I have been a retired woman for just over two weeks!   The decision was not made on the spur of the moment.  After dragging my husband to a workshop and a personalized appointment on retirement from my state job, along with countless discussions, and a whole lot of "figgerin'," we picked a retirement date a couple of months away.  

I can't say it was exactly easy to break the news to the powers that be at my agency.  I had made my decision and wasn't backing down though.  I think there was a couple of attempts of guilt-tripping, but as I have always said, my father was the king of all guilt trips, so no one else can get away with it.  (And I try to never do that to my kids.)  Of course, I would have loved for the higher ups to have said, "We would be lost without you! We will give you a huge raise and a great big bonus check if you'll stay!"  And of course, I knew that wouldn't happen, but a girl can dream, can't she? No one is indispensable - no one!  The world will keep rotating, perhaps a little wobbly at first, perhaps in a slightly different way, but it will rotate nonetheless.  

I tried to get a lot done before I left.  I truly slaved away on a complicated grant wrap-up, and I tried to work ahead on odds and ends so that no one else would have to worry about it over the holidays.  I also tried to write a list of everything I did and how I did it - eight pages worth. I even editorialized a little, conveying my thoughts on good social media practices and providing excellent customer service. Will any of that matter now?  I don't know, but it was my last say.

Retirement has taken a little getting used to. Now, I won't lie - going to bed when I want and getting up when I want (depending partly on four animals) does not suck.  And it is not awful to be able to stay in my pajamas as long as I want, to wear whatever I feel like wearing each day, and going without makeup and not fixing my hair some days. I try not to be too big of a slob every day.  Since I spend my days with my husband, I don't want him wondering why he was in favor of me being around all of the time!

I said that when I retired, I would probably become a hermit.  That isn't too far from the truth.  I am content most days to stay at home. In fact, I have kind of been nesting.  In addition to not really knowing how to do nothing without feeling guilty, I have been doing something I have not had much time or energy for - deep cleaning my house. I have been taking one room at a time, and cleaning, plus throwing out tons of stuff. My husband and I want to downsize to a smaller house, so this needs to be done anyway.  Plus, the more I look at dust and clutter, the more I want it gone.

I do have things I want to accomplish.  My husband and I started a small business a couple of years ago, so I want to tend to it more and grow it.  I have a great time being creative and making new things.  I want to write - more blog posts and I REALLY want to finish the novel I have been working on here and there for years.  I am very close to finishing it, but am also scared that it sucks.  You never know until you try though, right?

I am not saying that I won't get another job. In fact, I have already seen a part-time job - very part-time, that I may apply for.  But I love knowing that I can do something I want to do just because I want to do it.  And if I don't like it, I can quit!  (I guess I shouldn't tell prospective employers that, eh?)

When it's all said and done, I like being retired.  So far, so good.  I'll keep you posted on how this new chapter plays out.

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS COME & GONE...

Sadly, Christmas has never been my favorite time of year.  I grew up as an only child without a lot of extended family around, so Christmases were always rather quiet at our house.  My parents always got me great presents - not too little, not too much - but I had always wished to be around my cousins, aunts, and uncles. To me, Christmas was supposed to mean big family gatherings with lots of love, some arguments. lots of laughter, and kids having a ball.

For a number of years, my husband and I celebrated Christmas with our mothers and his siblings and their families.  While I don't miss all of the shopping and trying to figure out what this one or that one would like, I miss the get-togethers with kids running around, with everyone eating the collective foods that were brought, and all of us ooohing and ahhing over our favorite gifts. 

When my mother-in-law passed away, and then my mother, Christmases got quieter.  My husband and I decided to form our own traditions.  We were still to open gifts on Christmas Eve - something my husband insisted on, probably from his German roots. Each year, there would be some variations on the Christmas Eve menu that usually included my son's favorite sausage/cream cheese/Rotel dip, Rachael Ray's fudge, and butterscotch/chow mein noodle haystacks.  There might be sandwiches or gumbo or chili or little sausages in barbecue sauce - always plenty to eat.  And our doors were always open to my son's girlfiends and now my daughter's boyfriend.  I still believe the more, the merrier.

We usually had a Christmas tree - my husband insisted on a live one.  I would usually set up my Christmas village.  It began right after we were married. I had mentioned to my mother-in-law that I always wanted a village, so she would give me a piece or two each year.  My husband continued the tradition, and it has grown.  My daughter would make additions - Pokemon one year, and wolves another! My village has grown rather large, and it has a lot of character - and usually a cat sitting in the middle of it!

This year, there was so much going on, so, combined with a lack of spending money, we did not put up a tree, and I did not set up my village.  Even Thanksgiving was done in a hurry since my husband had a doctor's appointment five hours away two days before Turkey Day.  Since we have been working on our side business, my dining room looks more like a warehouse. I was in the process of retiring, so I was trying to wrap up so many things at work, plus get the reams of paperwork done.  When I got paid on December 21st, Christmas shopping could finally commence. And I remembered why I hated Christmas shopping in brick and mortar stores!  Almost as much as I hate wrapping Christmas presents!

My daughter loves giving Christmas gifts as much as she loves getting them.  She called me countless times to check out ideas for gifts for me or her father.  She likes carefully selecting things people will like, and at least in my case, things I wouldn't normally buy for myself.  And I really enjoyed watching her open one of her gifts - a wrapped box inside a wrapped box inside a wrapped box.  When she got to the last one, there was a toy car with musical notes taped to it, and a poem telling her that she will be getting a much-needed, much wanted new stereo system installed in her vehicle.

This year, things were even quieter.  My son, who got married and moved to Canada, was not here this year.  When he left, he was convinced he would be working and that he and his wife would be able to fly home to celebrate with us. But things move a lot slower than they had predicted, so they were stuck in Toronto for a quiet Christmas of their own.  I miss my daughter torturing her brother with gag gifts, or presents wrapped with so much tape that they were almost impossible to open.  Despite the fussing, there were a lot of laughs.

Life moves on.  Even family moves in and out of your Christmas celebrations, though they remain ensconced in your heart.  I have no clue what next Christmas will bring.  We don't plan to still be in the same house...time to downsize.  I sincerely hope that both of my kids and their significant others  will be with us next year, somewhere, somehow. That is all I want for Christmas!

MY BABY IS NOW 21....

It has been several months since my youngest, Jessica, turned 21. (Okay - I have been busy!) She and I are very close, and I have been right there with her throughout all of her ups and downs and everything in between.  I don't think there is much that she would not feel she could tell me.  And that makes me happy.

Anyway, for her birthday, she was off at college, and I wouldn't be able to see her until several days after.  So I wrote her a letter that I emailed her, and I thought I would share it here.

To my dearest daughter on her 21^st birthday,

            It is hard for me to believe that you are 21 today! In some ways it does seem 21 years, but in others, it feels like you should still be a little girl. After all, you will always be my little girl…my baby.

            When you have kids, people always tell you that your kids will be grown in the blink of an eye. And you laugh and say, “Sure, sure!” All you can see are the bottles and diapers and vaccinations and being totally responsible for the health and welfare of your little ones. And as old as you or I get, I still feel like I am pretending to know what I am doing as a parent. (Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!) But even though you feel that it will take forever for your kids to be grown, it truly does go by so very fast.

            Yes, there were times that seemed like they took a long time to get through…like getting to the bottom of your health issues. I felt at times that I was letting doctors torture you, but I so wanted to find out what it would take to get you healthy and keep you that way. And there were all the struggles we had over schoolwork until we found out that we had ADD to contend with. For the record, I never thought you were stupid!

            We have been through so many ups and downs together. Sometimes being in Girl Scouts aggravated you, but I think you learned a lot and had some good times, too. I will always have fond memories of Camp Marydale, the horses, and the barn cats.

            I remember the anxiety you had over doing a presentation in front of your class. And I will give cosplay credit for helping you conquer that fear.

            I remember unrequited love, your first boyfriend, boys who were not always the nicest, and boys you have kicked to the curb.

            I remember friends who have been there for you and had your back. And I remember ones who did you wrong. They found out what it’s like for you to be done with them. You got the ability to hold a grudge from me and my father. I think I have gotten a little better. Never be a doormat, but sometimes you need to let go and move on for your own sake.

            I remember the grand accomplishments. You wanted to make Colorguard at DTHS so badly. I will never forget the roller coaster of that week of learning the routines. One day you would be happy, feeling you were getting it down. The next day, you would be heartbroken, believing you would never make the team. I can still feel the day of tryouts – I was probably just as nervous as you. And I found out before you that you had made the team. Like the cruel person I can be, I gave you the impression that you had not made it before I let you see that you had. I still feel kind of bad about that.

            I was nervous at every one of your tryouts. I was just as anxious as you were to see the list posted on the band room door. I remember your fear of not making the varsity team – you did. I remember your fear of not becoming a captain – you did. And then I could relax for a bit, not having to suffer the anxiousness with you.

            I remember your tryouts for UL’s Colorguard. It was a grueling day, but you made that, too. Your father and I had such good times going to the games just to see you. We enjoyed the parades into the stadium – I couldn’t wait until I spotted you and made sure that you saw that we were there.

            I remember the disappointment when you did not make the first Independent Winterguard you tried out for. It was their loss – and I think you know that now. You were better off not getting involved in that drama. The same hold true for the sorority. You know now that is was a fate best avoided.

            I was there for you during the drama of your first roommate. I was very pleased that the two of you were able to mend your fences and that you can still call each other friends.

            I see how much you care about some people – and lots of animals. I see how hard you work. I know that life and school can be very trying and stressful, but you will survive it and be better for it.

            I see every day what a strong, amazing, beautiful young woman you are, inside and out. You are smart, creative, witty, and funny – even if you share my warped sense of humor and sarcasm.

            I look forward to seeing you through the next steps in your life. I know that graduation from college seems ages away, but it will be here in that blink of an eye.

            I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you with everything I am. I am so blessed to have the baby girl I wanted so much. I am proud to be your mother and to also have your friendship now that you’re a “big girl.”

            You and your brother will always be my heart. I love you so very much.

            Welcome to adulthood, Pookie!

            Happy birthday, my sweet Jess!

All my love,

Your Mom

Yes, this letter made her cry...  And yes, I was glad....

LIFE'S TWISTS & TURNS

Everyone's life has them - everyone's! Some are well-expected and give you plenty of time to figure out, like where to go to college.Others hit you like a ton of bricks, like being fired from a job. Some twists and turns can be handled with grace, and others with joy and/or tears. That is life.

When you have children, the twists and turns multiply - with two kids, it seems that it is tenfold! (Don't try using normal math here.) Kids have their individual timetables. One didn't have the desire to truly walk until 14 months, while the other took off running (and hasn't stopped yet!) at 10 months.

All throughout childhood comes school twists, extracurricular turns, hormonal ups and downs, and, of course, lots of drama. Who would have thought that a few packs of Pokemon cards would morph into an obsession with gaming, cosplay, and conventions for both kids?

After all the twists and turns of high school come the twists and turns of college. The bad grades, the good grades, changing majors, moving off campus, jobs, graduation...and the list goes on and on!

When Tyler graduated, moved home, and got his first "big boy" job, I thought the next turn would be him saving enough money to get a nice apartment  Ty would level up at the gaming company where he was working. He would eventually meet a nice local girl, and after a long courtship, the two would get married and come to Sunday dinner each week.

Here is where the twist comes in.  In this electronic age - and with our son who spends all of his spare time gaming, Ty met a young lady online. This was not the first time. Tyler has had strictly online girlfriends. (Mothers like those!) He had one that turned into about a three year relationship in the real world.  But this one lives in another country. No, he wasn't catfished.  She came to visit here. I have to say that my husband and I got a good first impression of her. She is very attractive and has a good job. She shares his love of gaming and anime'. 

Tyler got his passport and went to visit her. And the two of them decided to get married in her country. I found out from my daughter who found out on Snapchat. Yes, I was hurt. It took me some time to process and deal with this information in my on way and in my own time. It would take about four months for the marriage to be officially registered. His new missus came to visit again, and we were warm and welcoming.

The two of them made plans for Tyler to move to be with his wife. She would be his sponsor and they would consult with an immigration lawyer to obtain citizenship for him. And her Muslim family *Ty's wife is not a practicing Muslim) planned a big wedding for them. Since we do not have passports, we were not able to attend. They do want to have a third ceremony in the U.S. at some point.

Ty should be approved to start working in his new home in July. He is learning to navigate new streets, new weather, new currency, and more. He is learning that Daddy can't run over to fix his car. He is doing all of the laundry and cleaning, and cooking a little. Hopefully, our little bird is going to learn to fly- and hopefully, not into a tree....

They plan to come back here for Christmas, so until then, phone calls and video chats will have to do.